Ok, buckle up. This is going to get weird.
I only ask that you stick with me after I get started. Don’t
dial 911. I can assure you that no one is in danger at any point during this devotional.
It was early summer of 1996, and I’d just killed a few guys.
It wasn’t an accident. And I didn’t feel any guilt about it. They had it
coming.
But I was also aware that this had all transpired well
outside the boundaries of the law. Although I felt justified, there was no way
I could simply be given a pass. Society doesn’t operate that way. It’s not the
movies. I didn’t see how I wasn’t looking at maybe 30 years in prison, which at
that point seemed like a life sentence.
So I was making preparations to leave. I had several
thousand dollars in cash, some camping gear, food and tools loaded up in my
truck. My plan was to drive down to Brownsville, Texas, and cross the border
into Matamoros there. I’d travel through Mexico quickly, and keep heading south
until I got to Costa Rica, because there were no extradition laws in Costra
Rica. There I’d try to get a job on a cattle ranch, because I’d worked with
cattle all my life, and it would be a good way to keep a low profile.
As I was about to embark on this journey I felt my plan was
solid, but I wasn’t going into it lightly. I was never going to see any of my
family and friends again. These people are very important to me. So important,
it was how I’d gotten into this mess to begin with.
Then the thought occurred to me that through this whole
ordeal, I’d never prayed. So I got down on my knees in the gravel road right
there on my farm, clasped my hands together, shut my eyes and prayed out loud,
“Dear God, is there is any other way, is there is any different course I should
be taking right now, please show me the way.”
Then I opened my eyes, and I was looking at a horse grassing
in the field. But I wasn’t in my driveway anymore. I was in a bed. My bed. I
was looking out my window, not understanding. It was about 5:30 in the morning.
As I tried to piece together the events of the past few days, they started not
making sense, then slowing dropping away, and they were gone. It hadn’t
happened. I was home and everything was OK.
This was long before I was aware of the Marvel comics
multiverse concept… my idea of time travel was more based on Superman flying around
the world backwards to save Lois Lane. But it did feel so real, I felt as if I’d been
giving a miraculous redo.
But when I logically tried to consider that, I knew it
didn’t make any sense. If God had provisions for people to get a do-over every
time they made bad choices and something went wrong, humanity would still be a
small family living near the garden of Eden. Oh, you meant fruit from that tree
of knowledge? Start over. Abel, Abel who? Start over.
But this experience was too powerful to just be a bad dream,
a result of an undigested bit of beef or a bite of cheese, as Ebeneezer Scrooge
would have said in Dickesn’s A Christmas Carol. I finally arrived at this
conclusion: It was a holy spirit nudge, reminding me that I’d been neglectful
in my prayer life. Prayer matters, and I needed to get back at it instead of
just making my own way.
In the Dickens story, when Ebeneezer Scrooge had his
powerful dream it changed his whole life. This is because he was old, and
didn’t have to live long. That’s why it’s important to have these
transformative experiences either late in life, or have them periodically.
John Wesley had his heart strangely warmed once, but I got
two shots at a profound prayer experience.
Twenty some years later, I was having a hard time with
someone I was close to. One night after I thought I’d tried everything, I
realized that I had never really prayed about it. So I earnestly prayed for
wisdom and discernment for how to extricate myself from this situation, similar
to before. And it worked. Only this time I didn’t wake up from a dream. As soon
as I prayed that prayer, I had one word clear in my head, “Apologize.”
At first, I thought “Come on, for what? What did I have to
apologize for?”
But the word still hung there. I had to face it. So I wrote
this person a letter, and said I tried to explain my position, but had clearly
failed because I had made him angry and never intended to do so. Inadvertently
causing anger was a complete failure on my part. I did a bad job of
communicating. I’m sorry for causing this situation and hope you can forgive
me.
And he did. If you ask the guy about this incident today, I
don’t think he would even remember it. I didn’t come up with the resolution on
my own, even though this had drug on for several months. I prayed about it one
time and had my answer.
One morning during worship at Missouri UMC, the pastor
lamented that he had prayed over people in hospitals hundreds of times in his
career as a pastor, and as far as he could tell, he never healed anybody.
“If I could pray for someone and heal them, I’d be on TV,” he
said. “I’d probably even have my own show.”
I thought this was pretty bold, for a pastor to say right in
the middle of worship, I’m not sure this prayer stuff really works. And I can’t
say I understand it myself, when it comes to healing prayer. So how does prayer
work? I like clear directives, and we do have a clear directive from Jesus here,
one of the times he didn’t answer a question with a question. When they said,
“Master, teach us to pray,” Jesus didn’t say, “Well, how do you think we should
pray?” No, he gave us an example, that many of our churches pray every Sunday
morning. Last spring in chapel Mi Hyeon had us recite the 23rd Psalm
in unison, and it didn’t go so well, but I think we can do the Lord’s Prayer. Let’s
pray it together.
Our Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
They Kingdom come
They will be done
On Earth, as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us of our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever
Amen.
I have to hand it to Jesus, that’s a pretty good model.
Starts off with some praise of God, acknowledgement of divine control, thankfulness
that basic needs are being met, asking for forgiveness…
Ok, that’s a real important part right there. You can’t ask
for forgiveness if you’re doing everything right, can you? No, what goes hand
in hand with asking for forgiveness is confession to being in the wrong. Confession
is baked in here, whether we like it or not.
As we forgive those who trespass against us… not as we
consider forgiving, or forgive some of those, or try to forgive… no we’re
saying we forgive – right here before God and everybody. Big statement.
And lead us not into temptation…
Ok, maybe my pastor wasn’t very good at faith healing. And
maybe all the thoughts and prayers to end mass shootings haven’t worked yet.
But I’ve found the lead us not into temptation prayer works every time. You
can’t just pray it once and be set for years. You can’t just pray it in church
and be good all week. But when it comes to lapses in morality, whatever that
lapse may be, if I pray for resistance to temptation, it really does make that
thing I wanted to do that I know that I shouldn’t do less of a thing that I
want to do. It helps get your head on straight.
So, I would encourage you all to remember to pray,
specifically and personally, about things in your life, particularly things in
which you need clarity of thought.
